Climbing the Abyss
by Bixata
Summary: AU Jack didn't escape from Ba'al's fortress in 'Abyss'. Two years later he escapes and steals the knowledge of the Ancients to save Earth from Anubis.  Sequel: Abyss of My Soul
1. Chapter 1

Alternate Universe story where Jack didn't escape from Ba'al's fortress after his blending with the Tok'ra Kanan. He finally escapes nearly two years later and downloads the repository of the Ancients into his brain again to defend Earth from Anubis' attack. But after two years of being tortured to death does he have the strength and sanity to save Earth?

Not a ship fic, but general friendship. May lean toward JackSam but nothing more than in the series.

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****Climbing the Abyss**

Chapter 1

His heart pounded in his chest, dulling his other senses until he felt nothing, heard nothing, but the powerful accelerated thumping in his chest and the echoing muffled beat of the blood rushing though his ears. The edges of his vision blackened as his need for oxygen exceeded his heart's ability to deliver it. He stumbled, fell to the ground and wanted nothing more than to lay down right there amid the dirt and bugs and go to sleep. Or even die. Anything to stop the pain forever. But he had a mission now and he couldn't fail.

He picked himself up, ignoring the sharp twig that jutted through his hand like a giant thorn. He put one tired foot in front of the other and resumed his mad dash, heart and determination alone keeping him going. And fear.

Even his adrenaline had given up on him about a kilometer back, but still he ran, knowing exactly where to go but not sure what he'd find, what he'd encounter, who'd be waiting for him. Maybe he could take them by surprise. All he really knew was he had to get back and warn them. This was the only chance he'd get.

He fell again, tripping over a felled tree trunk, his feet tangled in the moss and fern. Angrily he lashed out at the vegetation, pulling it by the root and throwing it aside before climbing back to his feet and allowing his anger and frustration to fuel his energy, to give him the strength he needed. He was finally fighting back.

At the back of his mind he wondered if he'd make it in time, if this would all be worth it. The more logical part of his brain didn't really care. At least it would finally be over, no more temptation, he could end it. But first, he had to do all he could to stop them. He owed it to himself to try, to make a difference, to go down fighting. They had taken the fight out of him and he wanted it back.

He stumbled abruptly into a clearing and brought himself up short. Zero points for stealth. Luckily there was nobody in sight.

They had left the Stargate unguarded, and why not? After all, they had the second largest fleet in the galaxy. He quickly scanned the area for traps but he wasn't thinking clearly enough to have noticed anything. He ran over to the DHD and stared at it, frantically trying to recall the symbols he had seen. He braced himself with both hands and closed his eyes to concentrate.

The familiar thrum and screams of the goa'uld death gliders rang in his ears and controlled panic took over. He had to go now. Guess there was still a little adrenaline in there after all. He pounded on the DHD, the correct symbols appearing in the corner of his mind that still retained some semblance of the military officer he had once been. He pressed his trembling hand against the center jewel and the Stargate sprang to life.

The ground erupted around him as the death gliders discovered his location, zeroing in on him. Dirt and debris sprayed up into his face as the aftershock knocked him off his feet. He scrambled for the open wormhole on all fours, knowing this was his only chance. Fire rained down around him as he half ran, half crawled to the 'Gate. The last few steps, and he was going to make it. He put on a burst of speed, the last of his strength, and dove through the 'Gate seconds before the ground behind him was obliterated.

He tumbled out the other side gracelessly, tucking into a shoulder roll to absorb some of the impact. A spray of dirt followed through after him then abruptly the wormhole disengaged. The dust settled, and there was silence.

He lay sprawled out on a stone dais, partially on the stairway leading down from the Stargate, a blanket of dirt and twigs and pebbles upon him. He lay there motionless, his chest heaving as he attempted to catch his breath. His limbs refused to move otherwise.

It took several minutes but he was finally able to lift his head, open his eyes, and look around. Miles of grassland. Tall grass, waist high. From his position he couldn't see any recent trails, but you can only see so much when your head is inches from the ground. There were small copses of trees scattered across the landscape and in the distance, visible by its sheer height, was a statue, a building, an ancient ruin, whatever. That would be his best shot.

Slowly he braced his arms beneath him and pushed up, lifting his bruised, battered, and beaten body from the smooth, cool stones. Without thinking, focused only on his target, he limped heavily and unsteadily towards the ruins. Somehow he made the trek, a little over a kilometer he guessed, and leaned against the walls, his hands pulling strength from the cool stones as he worked his way along, searching. It had to be here, this was the only structure that could…

Crap, what the…Okay, get a grip.

From the previously unmarred wall a circular structure with a dark round viewer emerged, springing out at him from nowhere. It was a familiar sight, he'd seen one before, years ago. It had nearly killed him.

Anubis was coming. He knew it, that's how he had found out about the planet and the Ancient repository of knowledge. The headsucker. He couldn't let Anubis have this knowledge, it was too powerful, too dangerous in the wrong hands. But he didn't have anything to destroy it, no explosives, no computers to download it, no bulldozers to level it. Just his tattered self.

And given his current mental state he wasn't really the best candidate to have the entire library of an ancient and powerful race downloaded into his noggin. But there was no other way.

With great remorse and sadness he put his hands on either side of the viewer and peered into it, resigned to his fate as metal arms sprang out and clasped his head in place. He didn't struggle. Moments later, before the arms released him and he crashed to the floor unconscious, he hoped that he still had enough good within him not to abuse the power.

He awoke several minutes later, disoriented, expecting to find himself in an eight-by-eight cell, or a coffin size box with bright white lights, or strapped down to a metal slab by artificial gravity or…

Oh, right, he had escaped. After two years of not escaping who would expect a burnt-out pet human like him to actually make a break for it? Ba'al sure hadn't. Neither had Anubis.

So now here he was with a cranium full of Ancient knowledge, a chest full of holes, a heart full of…nothing. And no soul.

He pulled himself to his feet for the bazillionth time. Pick yourself up, right? Dust yourself off. Start all over again.

Little late for that. He wasn't there to start anything.

He was there to finish it.

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To be continued 

I have the next five chapters written, but if you have any suggestions I'm always open to rewrites.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

On his home planet of Chulak, Master Bratac had just received word of the mobilization of Anubis' fleet. There was no clear target yet, but he expected he would find out very soon. Whoever was the intended target would not stand a chance against the vast armada, but they may have time to evacuate.

Of a more puzzling nature was the news that someone was attempting to raise an army amongst the rebel jaffa to fight Anubis. This was the man from whom the jaffa had learned of the impending attack, but which he confirmed from other sources as well. The man himself went by no name, but claimed that he had the knowledge and the strength to defeat the powerful system lord. He spoke of a powerful weapon which could destroy a ha'tak in the blink of an eye. He often spoke in a strange language which one of the jaffa had identified as the language of the Ancients.

And he was mad.

The jaffa who told him of the strange man described him thus. The stranger wore a cloak with a hood, which he always kept over his head to hide his face. His voice was weak but powerful, at times high and scratchy and at other times deep and resonant. He was tall and stood at full height when he spoke but sat curled up on himself, appearing vulnerable and hurt when he was not in the public eye. He refused to eat, saying he would rather die of hunger than watch Anubis and the goa'uld destroy the galaxy.

Bratac decided he should meet this man.

The jaffa gave him the address to the planet which he recognized as one of the worlds occupied by rebel jaffa. He immediately embarked, knowing he had little time to warn the victims of Anubis' attack.

He emerged from the Stargate and found that he was surrounded by jaffa armed with staff weapons and zats. He removed his hood so they could identity him. "Shel kek nem'ron." He declared, holding his arms out to the side. "I die free."

A man in a dark brown cloak with the hood pulled over his face stepped forward. "But not today, Master Bratac."

The voice seemed familiar, but he could not identity a face to go with it. "I have been informed that Anubis has mobilized his fleet for attack."

"He is on his way."

"Here?" Bratac asked, disbelieving that Anubis would expend his resources on this relatively insignificant outpost.

"The Tau'ri. You must warn them. We must help them."

"The Tau'ri?" Bratac repeated, fearing the logic of this attack. This man may speak the truth.

"Terra. Earth. First World. They must be prepared."

"You are certain?"

"I have crossed the bridge."

Bratac was confused by this response, and understood why his jaffa friend had claimed this man was crazy. "What do you know?"

"Thirty ships. Ha'taks. He will arrive in three days, perhaps less. I must have a ship. I can stop him. We must stop him."

"How will you achieve this?" Bratac asked, stepping closer to the man in as non-threatening a manner as he could. The man didn't back away.

"Terra Atlantis. Subo lacios."

"I do not understand your language."

"I have the knowledge."

"How can I be certain this is not a trick?"

The man was silent for a moment, and Bratac feared he had upset him. Nobody moved, and the jaffa that still surrounded them whom obviously already respected this man were just as keen to hear the response.

Finally the man spoke. "I am sworn to defend Earth. I would not betray my friends. I would not see my home destroyed. We are all children of the Tau'ri. We are all descendents of the same flesh and blood. And we are all enemies of Anubis. Together we must fight for our freedom, and if need be, live for it."

"You mean die for it." One of the jaffa suggested.

The man turned to the jaffa sharply. "Death does not bring one freedom. I have died at the hands of Ba'al. I have died at the hands of Anubis. I have died at the hands of Osiris, and I have died at the hands of Apophis. Yet only in life have I found freedom. We must win, and we must survive, if we are to truly be free. Only then can we die in peace."

Bratac bowed his head respectfully. "Your words are wise, brother."

The other jaffa bowed their heads as well, and the man stood tall and proud, raising his arm to his chest in the jaffa form of a salute. "Will you help me, brother?"

Uncharacteristically, Bratac was enthralled by this man, this stranger whom he had just met, who had never proven his worth as a warrior in battle. "I will help you defend the Tau'ri. Will you come with me to Earth to deliver your warning?"

The man hesitated, and even through the robes Bratac could sense the tension in the other man. "We must have a ship. We must have the power first."

"The Tau'ri will assist us. Teal'c will help us."

"Teal'c." The man repeated, and his voice seemed to carry such emotion.

"My apprentice. Surely you have heard of him."

"My friend. My brother."

Bratac's eyes narrowed as he looked at the man closely, trying to see beyond the disguise. "Who are you?"

The man stepped back as though he'd been slapped in the face. He let out a shuddering breath. "I am the host. I am nobody."

Bratac felt such sadness for this man. "You were once a host. Then you have suffered much."

"I have suffered." The man confirmed, but to Bratac's ears it sounded more like he was convincing himself.

"Do you retain the knowledge of your goa'uld captor?"

"I don't remember." The man said weakly, then visibly shook himself. "I was host to a Tok'ra. I was captured by Ba'al and my symbiote fled, leaving me to be tortured to death. I died many times. Many times. I don't remember."

Bratac rushed forward as the man wavered on his feet unsteadily, grabbing him by the arm to support him. "You must eat something. You are weak from hunger. You must rest now."

The man gripped his arm desperately, but he was very weak, and his voice seemed to crack with emotion. "I don't remember how."

The man's declaration tore at Bratac's heart and he felt sorrow and anger for this poor man who had suffered so much. He understood the powers of the sarcophagus which must have kept this man alive. It would have kept him alive without additional sustenance. This man had probably not eaten anything during his imprisonment. "I will take you to the Tau'ri. They will help you. Then I will return to procure a ship for our travels. You will be safe in the hands of the Tau'ri."

The man's grip on his arm tightened. "You must promise me. If I die, there must be nothing left. Burn everything. Spread my ashes to the wind, cut me up and bury me on a hundred different planets. I can't come back again. I need it to be over. It has to end."

"You have my word." He agreed solemnly. "What is your name, friend?"

The man withdrew again, letting his hand drop from Bratac's arm. Then he took a deep breath and reached up for his hood. Pulling it back, letting it drop behind him, he said softly, "Colonel Jack O'Neill. SG-1."

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Daniel Jackson was having a bad day. He was having a bad week, and if he were truly being honest with himself, he was having a bad year. Ever since he had returned from ascension he had felt like something was missing, like he was forgetting something important.

His memories had returned eventually, and it seemed like they were all back, but still there was something missing in his life, and though he thought he knew what it was, or who it was, he couldn't allow himself to think about it.

He missed his friend. Jack O'Neill. The Colonel. He could tell that Sam and Teal'c were also affected by the absence of their former leader, but everyone tried to pretend there was nothing wrong. Even General Hammond had behaved differently from what Daniel could remember from his pre-ascension days. But now General Hammond was reassigned to Washington and the SGC was being overhauled because the new President and his snarky, rat bastard of a vice-president felt the military was a poor representative of Earth. So they were effectively shutting down the SGC for a three-month review of the program.

Sometimes Daniel wished he had just retired.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir was an amazing person that he would have loved to work with under any other circumstances but now he just felt like she was a threat to the work they did at the SGC and the war they were fighting with the goa'uld.

"Unscheduled off-world activation."

The klaxons sounded as the voice echoed around the base.

Dr. Weir turned to Daniel, just minutes after they had been introduced. "All the off-world teams are back already."

They both ran down to the Control Room where the gate technician reported they were receiving Master Bratac's IDC. After Daniel helpfully reminded Weir that Bratac was an ally and it would be a bad idea to have him adorn the backside of the iris, she ordered the iris open.

Seconds later Bratac emerged supporting another man around the shoulders. The man's head was down, as though he were too weak to hold it up, and his identity was concealed by the hood of his traditional jaffa robe.

"Greetings, Bratac." Daniel said, stepping towards them. "Does this man require medical attention?"

But both men were staring at Dr. Weir.

Daniel made a quick introduction. "This is Dr. Elizabeth Weir. She's the new commander of this facility."

The stranger inhaled sharply, and Bratac asked, "Has Hammond of Texas fallen in battle?"

Weir was slightly shaken by the dismay in the jaffa's demeanor. "No. He's fine." She answered.

Daniel added. "We've had some recent changes in our government."

"I see." Bratac responded, looking away and shifting the man he half-carried to a more comfortable position.

"Bratac, what's wrong?" Daniel asked, seeing the discomfort on Bratac's face.

Bratac touched the other man's arm and received a nod. He turned back to Daniel. "Anubis has mobilized his fleet. He will reach Earth within three days."

Dr. Weir gasped and Daniel felt his knees go weak. "Are you sure?" he asked, knowing Bratac would not have phrased it like that if he was not sure, but hoping nonetheless.

"I am not. But he is." He said, indicating the man at his side.

Daniel looked closer, hoping to identify the man behind the cloak and was taken by surprise when the man lurched forward and wrapped his arms around his shoulders. Daniel stumbled backwards, alarmed by the man's intensity, thinking he was about to be strangled, but after a second he realized the man was crying against his shoulder, and what he thought was a chokehold was in fact, a hug.

His arms automatically came up to return the embrace, peering over the man's shoulder to look at Bratac questioningly. But Bratac was looking away, obviously giving the two men privacy. "Umm…Are you okay?" He asked awkwardly.

The man stepped back, turning away from everyone and rubbing his hands over his face, chasing the tears away. Daniel stepped closer and put his hand on the man's shoulder, offering what comfort he could.

"It's okay, you're safe here." He spoke in a soothing voice.

"You came back." The man said in a husky voice, choked with tears.

"Uhh, yeah, I'm here. Do I know you?"

"You went away. I was afraid they hurt you, but they must have sent you back. You tried to help. You broke the rules for me. But they never came. They never came."

"I'm sorry, I don't know what you're talking about. Who never came?"

"Anubis is coming." The man declared suddenly. "But I took the knowledge. I know how to defeat him. Proclaroush teonas."

"Proclaroush teonas." Daniel repeated.

"What does that mean?" Weir asked, worriedly.

"It sounds Ancient." Daniel answered her. "What do you mean you took the knowledge?"

The man's hands came out and grabbed Daniel's head on both sides, before letting him go. "Legacy."

Daniel stared at him. "You found a repository of the Ancients? You downloaded their knowledge into your brain?"

The man nodded. "It was the only way. I couldn't let him have it."

"Daniel?" Weir's voice interrupted his thoughts. "What is he talking about?"

"Five years ago we found a repository that contained all the knowledge of the Ancients. Jack…Colonel O'Neill had the knowledge downloaded into his brain. It slowly began to take control of him, he started speaking their language and doing things without his direct knowledge. It was how we first made contact with the Asgard in their home galaxy, and why they took such a great interest in our well-being. But Jack's brain was shutting down, it couldn't handle all the information. It would have killed him if the Asgard hadn't removed the knowledge when they did. Thor said that Jack was more advanced than most humans, that others would not have survived as long as he had and would not have been able to access the knowledge so readily."

The man nodded briefly, confirming what Daniel said.

"How did you know this?" Daniel asked him suspiciously.

The man looked up at him, but his face was still hidden in the shadows of his cloak, and he did not answer.

Daniel frowned. "I'm sorry to say this, but I don't think you'll be able to find anything to help us. I don't mean to sound…Oh, you must be human. If you could download the knowledge in the first place you can't be a jaffa."

The man made no response.

Daniel turned to Bratac, frustrated. "Who is this man? Why does he want to help us?"

But this time the man responded, in a voice so soft that Daniel didn't hear what he said. "I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you."

"My mission is to defend Earth and appropriate weapons and technology to fight the goa'uld." The man repeated in a monotonous voice, as though repeating someone else's words.

"Your mission…" Daniel's voice trailed off and he stared at the cloaked figure. "Jack?"

The man's head tilted to the side. "Daniel."

Daniel's eyes flew wide open. "Jack? Oh my God, Jack. It's really you?" He rushed forward and yanked back the hood of the cloak. He gasped, trembling at what he saw. "Oh God, Jack." He pulled his friend into a bone-crushing hug, afraid to let him go. He felt Jack's arms come around his waist and up to his shoulders and they both fell to their knees, embracing tightly, their faces in each others necks as both men felt salty tears against their skin.

Dr. Weir watched in shocked awe at the two men reunited on the Gate Room floor. Bratac was turned away to give them privacy, but Dr. Weir was too fascinated to look away until he grabbed her by the arm. "This is a private moment." He said softly, and she had to agree. She was about to ask him where he had found Colonel O'Neill when the blast doors opened and Teal'c and Major Samantha Carter walked in.

"Master Bratac." Sam said, surprised, not seeing the two men on the floor just behind him.

"Tec'ma'tey, Bratac." Teal'c said, pulling his friend into a one-armed hug. Then he looked beyond them and recognized Daniel Jackson. "What has transpired?"

Dr. Weir looked behind her at Daniel and the Colonel. "It's Colonel O'Neill." She told them.

Sam was shocked. She couldn't believe it. All she could see was Daniel's face crying into the neck of someone wearing a cloak. Someone with silvering hair. "Colonel?" She said so softly she didn't think she even said it out loud.

"O'Neill." Teal'c's voice was equally reverent and disbelieving.

Bratac nodded. "It is, in fact, O'Neill. But he is not in a good way. He has information that Anubis will reach Earth within days with the full force of his fleet."

Sam wasn't listening. She took faltering steps toward the two men. "Colonel?"

The man looked up at her and she gasped, fell to her knees and gazed into his dark brown eyes, feeling the tears flow freely down her face.

"Carter." He pulled away slightly from Daniel who nodded and helped him crawl towards Sam.

"Sir." She threw herself into his arms, sobbing against his chest. "You're alive. Oh God, you're alive. I thought we'd lost you forever."

"Carter." He repeated, stroking her back comfortingly, nuzzling his face against her hair. "This is real. This is real."

"Yes sir, I'm real. I'm here. You're alive."

"Proclaroush teonas. Proclaroush teonas."

She pulled back, holding his face with both her hands and gazing into his eyes. "What?"

"Proclaroush teonas. We must go now. There isn't much time. Anubis is coming."

She looked up at Daniel, then at Bratac. "What does he mean?"

"Anubis is coming to Earth, Sam." Daniel told her. "Jack downloaded the repository of the Ancients into his brain again to prevent Anubis from getting the knowledge. He thinks he's found a way to defeat Anubis."

"Proclaroush teonas." Jack repeated, still looking into her eyes. "Euje."

"What does that mean?" she asked Daniel.

"I don't know."

Jack yanked off the patch from her left sleeve and held it up for her to see. "At. Proclaroush teonas at."

She looked to Daniel quizzically, who was deep in thought. He jumped up excitedly. "Of course! It's an address. Seven syllables, seven symbols. It's a Stargate address."

"O'Neill has insisted that we will need a ship for our journey." Bratac argued. "If there is a Stargate on the planet he seeks then why would he need a ship?"

Daniel searched his memory of the Ancient language. "Proclaroush. Teonas. Teonas. Lost in fire? Maybe the Stargate was buried. Like on Earth, thousands of years ago."

Jack's hand was stroking Sam's face but nobody else noticed it. Except Sam, whose hands were currently running through his hair and down his neck. He pulled her into another hug and she melted into his arms, crying softly again. "I missed you, sir." She whispered into his ear.

His hand caressed her cheek, then ran through her hair before he passed out in her arms.

"Sir?" She felt his body go limp. "Jack! Colonel! Somebody, get a medical team in here!" She shouted hysterically, lowering him gently onto his back.

And she really looked at him for the first time.

"Oh God," she exclaimed, stepping back as a medical team moved in and transferred him to a gurney, wheeling him out of the room. She fought the urge to run after them, the image of his gaunt features, his pale complexion, his dull, lifeless eyes fixed in her mind. "What happened to him?" She asked nobody in particular.

Bratac answered her, calmly. "I believe he was held prisoner by the goa'uld, possibly Ba'al or Anubis. He was tortured to death and revived by a sarcophagus. We have no way of knowing how many times."

"Oh God." Sam moaned, crying again for her superior officer who had endured a fate worse than the death he had been condemned to when she asked him to take the Tok'ra symbiote Kanan to cure his sickness. "We left him behind. For two years. He's been…for so long how did he…"

Dr. Weir interrupted, hating that she had to bring it up but knowing it was her responsibility now. "If Colonel O'Neill was held prisoner for that long, then it's possible he's been compromised. And surely after two years of torture he wouldn't be…entirely himself. Is it possible he's imagining this threat to Earth?"

"I do not believe so." Bratac answered her. "I have received intelligence from many of the rebel jaffa that Anubis is planning an attack of great magnitude. O'Neill's timing can be no coincidence."

"Then it is possible that he was compromised. That Anubis allowed him to escape to return to Earth."

"Anubis would not have allowed O'Neill to retain the knowledge of the Ancients." Teal'c declared, knowingly. "This would make him a powerful threat."

"He hasn't really done anything to prove that he does have the knowledge. He's said a few strange words, but Anubis could have told him what to say."

"Oh for crying out loud, this is Jack we're talking about." Daniel practically shouted at them. "He's been out there for two years, being killed and brought back to life by an evil and dangerous technology and we didn't even try to find him. We owe him. We have to at least try to help him, he's obviously been through hell and if he is telling the truth and we don't let him try to save us then Anubis will show up and enslave or destroy every human being on Earth and Jack's efforts will have been for nothing." He glared at Weir angrily, daring her to contradict him, and when she didn't he ran from the room, chasing after Jack's unconscious form.

Sam looked between Weir and Bratac then followed Daniel from the room. Teal'c bowed his head slightly at his old mentor, and turned to join his teammates.

Weir stared at the door through which they'd vacated before turning to Bratac. "You don't think he's been compromised, do you?"

"I do not."

"Where did you find him?"

"He was on a planet currently occupied by rebel jaffa. How he got there I am unsure. O'Neill was attempting to persuade the jaffa to join him in battle against Anubis. He was very convincing. I myself was ready to fight by his side before I realized his identity."

"Was he always like that?"

"O'Neill was a great leader, and a strong warrior. He would have made a great jaffa. Although his ways are strange to us, and his manner unusual, he had the best intentions. He could be persuasive if he needed to be."

"Do you think he's…that he'll be okay?"

Bratac hesitated, glancing at the doorway. "I believe he is ready to end his life. He wishes to die in peace, and to do so, he must first save your world. Once that is accomplished, I am unsure what he will decide to do. However, he may not have a choice in the matter."

"What do you mean?"

"Did you not see his condition? O'Neill will suffer the effects of withdrawal from use of the sarcophagus. As Daniel Jackson explained the Ancient knowledge will eventually take over his mind and unless it is stopped, it will kill him. And he most likely has not had anything to eat in nearly two years. He is too weak now to nourish himself in the conventional manner."

"What do you mean he hasn't eaten in two years? How is that possible?"

"The technology of the sarcophagus will rejuvenate all living tissue. It would keep him alive indefinitely, without nourishment of any kind. I would not be surprised if he was allowed to starve to death several times. Such methods of torture are frequently productive."

"You mean he…Oh my word."

"If O'Neill manages to find the weapon he believes capable of destroying Anubis and his fleet, and if he survives the Ancient knowledge, he will have a long and difficult recovery ahead of him. One that, I am sorry to say, will be fought in the mind, as well as the body."

"But you think he can do it?"

"With his team, he just might."

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

Warning: rated T for mention of torture (death), mild language

Chapter 4

Sam, Daniel and Teal'c stood anxiously outside the infirmary, waiting for any news on Jack. Sam was still trying to control her tears, Daniel was hugging himself and even Teal'c couldn't conceal his concern and sorrow for their friend.

Two hours after Jack had been brought in, Dr. Janet Fraiser stepped out into the hallway to speak with them.

"Janet, how is he?" Sam asked, immediately.

"He's awake and lucid. He awoke in the middle of his MRI. He thought he was back in the sarcophagus." She swallowed hard. "I never thought I'd see him so...defeated." Her eyes glistened with unshed tears. "We've put him on an IV, he's extremely malnourished. That's probably why he fainted. He had a severe trauma to his hand which he must have received during his escape, something went clean through the palm of his left hand. We're checking for signs of withdrawal, but so far he hasn't shown any symptoms, his hormonal balance is within normal parameters aside from the malnutrition. We found..." she hesitated, taking a deep breath and calming herself to deliver the news. "We found some evidence of the physical trauma he received during his imprisonment. Since the sarcophagus heals all recent physical trauma he must have been given enough time to heal from some of the injuries he received before the sarcophagus was put to use."

She seemed unable to continue so Sam said, "Please, Janet. We need to know."

Janet nodded. "He has scars over fifty percent of his body. I think…I think he may have been burned with acid and then allowed to heal on his own for several days. He has numerous scars on his chest that look like knife wounds. His x-rays show that he's had several broken ribs, every finger shows some kind of fracture, and his right arm has three healed breaks." She broke off and couldn't continue.

"And these were just the things he healed without the sarcophagus." Daniel said, hugging himself even tighter, fighting off the nausea he felt. "The things that didn't kill him."

Janet let out a strangled breath. "His spine also shows signs of a fracture."

"Oh God." Sam cried, turning away and sinking to the floor, hugging her knees as she buried her head in her arms.

"What of his brain scans?" Teal'c asked, trying valiantly to remain strong.

"Same as the first time he had the knowledge downloaded into his brain." Janet answered, resuming her professional demeanor as best she could. "Operating at over 90 percent."

"So he was telling the truth." Daniel declared, knowingly.

"That means that Anubis is coming." Sam said from her position on the floor, sniffling loudly. "And he'll be here in just a few days. That isn't enough time. We don't have anything capable of stopping his entire fleet."

"Jack says he knows how." Daniel argued. "He'll find a way. We just have to be there for him. Sam, I know how you feel, but we can't let out guilt get in the way of things. He needs us, we have to be there for him. You can't let him know how bad you feel that we left him behind, you can't remind him of that, not while he has a job to do. We can't let him get mad at us. I don't think he could handle it."

She nodded, still looking at the floor. "I know. But I can't forget…I made him do it. I asked him to take to the symbiote, I begged him. If I had just let him die…"

"Then he wouldn't be here now to save our asses from Anubis. You did the right thing Sam. He wouldn't have done it if he really didn't want to. You helped him choose life over death and there's nothing wrong with that."

"But he did die, Daniel. He died, a hundred, maybe a thousand times or more."

"But he's alive now. He's alive and he's saving the world. We have to give him that. We can't let him die again for nothing. We have to be strong, for him."

"He's been asking for you all." Janet informed them quietly. "Just try not to…Don't get him too excited."

They rushed into the isolation room where Jack was being kept to hide him from the rest of the base. Once word got out that he was home everyone would be down to see him. They couldn't risk that right now.

Jack was lying on his back on the bed, a blanket tucked under his chin, but his eyes were wide, staring up at the ceiling.

"Colonel?" Sam said timidly, approaching him from the side.

His eyes drifted to hers and for a moment there was no recognition there. Then she saw a flash of guilt in his eyes. "He loved you. He really did, he came back for you. I had to do it. I couldn't let you suffer like this."

"Colonel, it's me, Carter."

"They killed you, so many times, I had to make it stop, Carter." He reached out for her hand but pulled back, as though by touching her he would destroy the illusion, that his hand would go through her and she would no longer be real to him. "I couldn't watch you lose your soul like this. You're too good for this. I had to do it, I had to."

"Colonel, they didn't kill me. I wasn't there. You didn't do anything to me."

"They made me kill you. I did it for you. I did it to save you. I couldn't let them revive you again. I had to end it. I could do that much for you. That was all I could do, Carter. It was all I could do. You begged me to do it, I was glad to do it for you."

"Sir." She couldn't stop her voice from cracking.

"I made it quick. You didn't feel a thing. One quick slice, and even the sarcophagus couldn't save you. He gutted me for it and let me bleed to death but I didn't care. I couldn't save you in life but I saved you in death. That was more than I could do for myself."

"Jack." Daniel stepped forward, hoping to get through to him.

"Daniel." Jack gazed at the younger man, seeming to forget Sam was even there. "You promised they would come, but they never did. Nobody ever came. And you were taken away. All I needed was a fighting chance, but you couldn't even get away with giving me that without getting thrown out of their superior being club. You're better than them. They didn't deserve you. I didn't deserve you."

"Of course you did, Jack. Why do you think I came for you?"

"To comfort a friend." Jack said fondly. "You walk a fine line my friend. You couldn't save me, but you tried. You tried. It's more than I could do."

"No, Jack, you did save yourself. You're home, you made it back to Earth."

Jack watched him for a moment, a look of disbelief on his face before he looked around himself and saw the familiar, dreary walls of the infirmary, not the familiar dreary walls of that pit. "Earth? Infirmary?"

"That's right, Jack. Don't you remember escaping?"

Jack's hand gripped Daniel's arm in a vice grip, surprising Daniel with his strength despite his physical appearance. "Teonas. We must go, now."

"Jack, calm down. Bratac is trying to find a ship for us, then we'll go."

"Prometheus."

Daniel glanced at Sam, sharing a shocked look. "You know about Prometheus?"

"Jonas. Mind probe. Ba'al likes to brag. Anubis came but it didn't work."

"What didn't work, Jack. What do you mean Anubis came?"

"The thing. In my head." Jack clutched at his head, closing his eyes tightly at the memory. "Anubis arrived to use that thing on me, that he used on Thor. He was really upset when it didn't work. Launched me out into space. That hurt. So cold."

Daniel and Sam both shuddered. "He used a mind probe on you?" Daniel asked. "And it didn't work?"

"He said I'm Ancient. He's one to talk. Then he whined about all my memories being clouded. That my thought process is totally backwards. Illogical. Apparently my mouth says things my brain doesn't even think." He shrugged slightly. "Actually, he said my brain works so fast the device couldn't keep up. It was just an excuse to slit my throat to slow it down. That didn't really hurt so much. I like shock. Numbs the pain. And death comes quick with a severed carotid."

Daniel swallowed back the bile rising in his throat. "Jack. Please, stop that."

"I asked him to stop. He never did."

"Jack. Just…Try to forget all that. You're home now, you escaped from there."

"I am home. I've been home the whole time. In my mind. How else would you expect me to stay sane?"

"Jack. Look around you. I'm here, Sam and Teal'c are here. You're really home."

Jack did look around again, and his eyes focused on Teal'c. "Teal'c. Buddy." He reached out for his friend who stepped forward, clasping Jack's forearm.

"It is good to see you again, O'Neill."

"You have no idea how great it is to see you. I hear you finally got rid of junior."

Teal'c raised his right eyebrow in surprise. "You have heard of the drug tretonin?"

"Tretonin? That's what you call it? Ba'al was less than amused to hear that the jaffa could become independent of symbiotes. And since it was a joint Tau'ri-Tok'ra venture, you can imagine who he took it out on. Cut my heart out of my chest." He looked down at his own chest. "To show me what it would be like to lose a symbiote. He's one with a dramatic flair, I tell you. Symbolism and all that."

Sam had turned away, unable to take his casual demeanor towards his torture sessions. Even Daniel was still fighting his own urges not to vomit. Teal'c engulfed Jack's hands in both of his. "Perhaps you should focus on the matter at hand, O'Neill."

"Anubis." Jack said with a vicious sneer. "I am so going to kick his ass."

Sam and Daniel both looked at him closely, recognizing the humor and determination that defined Jack O'Neill.

"Or I would if he had an ass." Jack mumbled. "All you ascended beings really take the fun out of a good whomping."

"What?" Daniel exclaimed. "Ascended? Anubis is ascended?"

"A little bit. Partially. Or so he says. That's why he can understand and control Ancient technology. He's a little durentess if you ask me."

"Durentess?"

"But then I probably am too. A real psycho nutjob to willingly download all that crap into my head when I'm off my rocker. Man without a soul with all the power of the Ancients. That can't be a good thing, right?"

"No, Jack, you have a soul. You're doing the right thing, you're defending Earth. We won't let you do anything that would endanger others. I promise."

Jack looked at each of them in turn. And for the first time since he'd been back, for the first time since he'd been taken, he smiled. And he had hope.

And he felt human.

TBC

* * *

Author's Note: This is an AU, and because Jack wasn't around and Daniel returned early, a lot of things are different, i.e. Janet's alive. I have decided to leave the differences up to your own imagination. 

Please review, I'd like to know if I'm keeping the story interesting.

Bixata


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Jack was released from the infirmary provided he was kept under constant watch. He felt stronger than he had for over a year due to the nutritional supplements he had been given intravenously, but he was a long way from recovery.

His body had long ago learned to fight off the addiction to the sarcophagus because he had been in withdrawal so many times as he starved to death or was forced to succumb to his injuries the natural way: bleeding out, or infection. And Janet was guessing that the Ancient knowledge was also helping him fight off the mental instabilities that should have resulted from his two year incarceration and recycled deaths.

Even so, he was clearly not all there.

He spoke to his team, and yet they were not in the room, he interacted with them, laughed and joked with them, yet there was nobody there. As he explained to Janet the nature of a staff blast to the face he immediately apologized to an imaginary Carter for his tactless morbidity.

There were moments of perfect lucidity, when his attention was purely on them and in the moment, but minutes later he would be ranting about Anubis, how they had to leave now. His calm demeanor always broke down as his need to get things done pushed him to the breaking point. He didn't handle the 'sitting around on his hands' thing very well.

The President had been briefed on his arrival, but didn't seem to understand the significance. He assumed O'Neill would be taken care of psychologically, and perhaps he could be reintegrated into the workings of the SGC if he recovered from his ordeal. He did not understand the urgency of the matter, that O'Neill was there to save the world. He felt it was a delusion in the poor man's mind, a memory of his glory days, a throwback to his service at the SGC and the many miracles he had achieved.

Obviously Kinsey had gotten to him.

And now Vice-President Kinsey wanted a meeting with Jack O'Neill, ostensibly to prove whether he could be trusted or not.

Janet had the displeasure of informing the physically and emotionally exhausted colonel of what would undoubtedly become his interrogation.

He took it surprisingly well. "Bring on the bastard."

She helped him to the briefing room where the rest of his team, Dr. Weir and Vice-President Kinsey were waiting for him. Before they went in she took him aside and whispered encouragements, as well as a warning. "Sir, I know it's hard, but you have to stay focused in there. You can't give him any ammunition to lock you up again. There's too much at stake."

He nodded, and grasped her hand, squeezing it gratefully for her support. Then she stepped back and allowed him to walk into the room under his own power.

He blatantly ignored the pompous ass. "Dr. Weir. I'd like to thank you for your support. And may I say you seem to be handling this end of the world stuff like a real pro. Should have had you here a long time ago. Would have saved Daniel all the trouble of those political negotiations and treaties he had to waste his precious time on. And maybe I wouldn't have had to make a fool of myself giving terrible speeches to new allies."

He was reminding her that he had been a fixture here long before her, and that even though she may be in charge, she hadn't proven herself to him, or anyone.

She smiled, recognizing his tactic and admiring it. "I realize you have played a significant role in the operations of this program, Colonel O'Neill. I know that I may not have experience in interplanetary politics, but I am familiar with the nature of war and power struggles."

"Earth wars." He argued. "I assure you the goa'uld are not human, nor are they bound by any moral codes. They will not give warning, nor will they take anything short of unconditional surrender. And by that, I mean surrender of our lives. Anubis won't hesitate to destroy this entire planet, he's tried it before. But we can stop him. You have to let me go."

"And why would we do that, Colonel?" Kinsey sneered, warming up to his challenge.

"Because you don't want to die." His hands trembled with barely concealed anger.

"We have only your word that the goa'uld are planning to attack. And from what I understand of your condition, you're not exactly in your right mind."

"I never said I was, Mr. Vice-President." He replied calmly, his face expressionless. "But who's to say that you are?"

"That's outrageous. Of course I'm in my right mind."

"Sure you are." Jack said dismissively. "And who's to say what's right? I'm sure Ba'al was in his right mind when he shoved knives in my chest. When he poured acid all over my body, frustrated with the insolent Tau'ri host who refused to tell him the iris codes. Yes, Boche was in his right mind when he realized I had been a threat to his race and I might be of use. And he was very much in his right mind when he shoved a knife down my throat after I told him to go to Hell. Tell me, Kinsey, have you ever tasted naquada?"

Everyone in the room flinched, and grimaced at his calmly delivered words.

"I think you've just proven my point, Colonel."

"On the contrary. I just proved that I'm handling my deaths in a calm and objective manner. Much as I've handled every crisis to Earth that my team and I have helped to avert."

"Crises that resulted from your own carelessness." Kinsey countered.

"Perhaps. And what about yours?"

"I've done nothing to jeopardize the safety of this planet."

"Uh-huh. Shutting down the SGC while Apophis was poised above Earth. Yes, you've done a bang up job of defending this planet."

"Now, listen here, Colonel."

"I'm sorry," Jack interrupted, "Do I look like I have any interest in anything you could say? Maybe you haven't noticed, but I've got nothing to lose. My frond is all screwed up. Yet I'm the one with all the power here, and Daniel can testify to the fact that my soul has gone considerably dark side on me. So if I'm trying to save Earth, and I'm soulless, what does that make you?"

Kinsey looked like he wanted to strangle O'Neill with his bare hands.

Jack continued, more forcefully, but in a softer tone, focusing on Weir. "Let me do this. I didn't need to come back, I could have done this on my own and you would have never known I was even here. If I'm crazy, then you've got nothing to worry about. It doesn't cost you a thing, just let me take some supplies and you can have them back when I'm done. But Anubis is coming. He's got over two dozen hatak's, and there's nothing you can do to stop him. He'll hit Colorado first. Blow the SGC sky high, then he'll be going for Washington. He'll establish an incoming wormhole to the Stargate and you won't be able to escape."

He let that sink in for a moment but nobody else responded. "Death is just an inconvenience for me, I don't care anymore whether I live or die. It's all the same. But I don't want the destruction of Earth on my conscience, knowing I could have saved it if you had let me do my job. With or without your consent, I'm saving your lives."

Finally, Kinsey folded his hands on the table. "I think it's clear to everyone present that Colonel O'Neill is in need of psychiatric care. He's obviously suicidal. I'm sure our government can provide him with the best health care we have available."

Everyone looked around at each other uncomfortably, until Jack burst out laughing. They watched him with horrified fascination as he brought himself under control.

"Colonel?" Weir prompted him for an explanation, concerned.

"Oh, no it's just so ironic. I first got called into the Stargate Program because I was suicidal. You all know how that worked out."

Kinsey jumped to his feet. "This Program was being influenced by a suicidal, special ops trained colonel? That is unacceptable."

"Oh, pipe down, Kinsey, I said the government brought me in because I was suicidal, not that they kept me on because I wanted to die. I like life, I like living, but at the moment, in my mind, there really isn't a difference. Matter of fact, I prefer death. I'm not saying it will always be like that."

"I'd like you to live, sir." Carter said quietly. "And defending Earth is why we're here in the first place," she added more forcefully.

Teal'c leaned forward slightly, glaring at Kinsey. "It would be extremely foolish to deny the possibility of Colonel O'Neill's claims. If he is correct, then this planet is in grave danger. I believe the knowledge of the Ancients may be our only chance of defeating Anubis and ridding him from this galaxy."

Daniel offered his support next. "Teal'c's right. Even if Jack is mistaken, then there's no harm done in helping him try to find the technology to defend Earth. His brain scans show that he does possess the knowledge of the Ancients, and we've seen that it takes a subconscious effort to use the knowledge. It could be that any psychological effects from his imprisonment wouldn't affect him. His mind knows what it wants, even if he doesn't."

"These are all good points, but we have to consider the colonel's well-being." Weir argued. "If he's delusional then we're playing into his fantasy and that won't help him in his recovery."

"Neither will being blown-up." Jack commented. He looked at her for a moment then leaned forward, his chest almost touching the table. "I've been a soldier more than half my life. I know the stakes and the risks. It's part of who I am to put others before myself. It's what the Air Force has trained me to do. You'd be asking me to go against everything I stand for, everything the government wants me to be. Everything I lost in that damn prison. How is that helping my well-being? I was tortured, I escaped, and now I'm moving on, doing the job I was hired to do. Why would you deny me that?"

"Colonel."

"He's right, you know." Daniel said, glancing at her from the side. "This is who he's always been. Jack was always the one to take the risks, to put the plan into action. You take that away…and he'd still be in that prison with Ba'al."

Kinsey wore a triumphant smirk. "So you're saying that we should put the welfare of Earth on the line to help one man recover from what was obviously a very trying ordeal."

"Yes." Daniel stated. "Because if we don't, and you're wrong, and Anubis comes…" he glanced at Jack and smiled, recalling the words he had said so long ago, "…then we're just a bunch of idiots."

Six years ago, Jack had put his faith in Daniel when he claimed the goa'uld were coming. He may have thought Daniel was crazy, but he still trusted him, because if Daniel was right, then they were in big trouble. But with Daniel's warning, if he had disregarded it, he would have felt like an idiot when Apophis arrived and enslaved the people of Earth. Now the tables had turned, and Daniel had to trust Jack that he was right.

"It's a win-win situation." Sam added. "If the colonel's wrong, then he at least had the chance to do something to make a difference. Maybe he'll find technology that will defend Earth anyway, since he does have the Ancient knowledge. And if he's right, then at least we've got a fighting chance of stopping Anubis."

"Oh please." Kinsey groaned. "You want to put the fate of mankind into the hands of someone who's mentally unstable?"

Daniel raised his chin defiantly. "Better a mentally unstable Jack O'Neill than you."

"Indeed." Teal'c agreed.

Sam chewed her lip, obviously wanting to agree but held back by military protocol.

Dr. Weir heaved a huge sigh and stood up from the table, cutting off whatever retort was on the vice-president's lips. "I think I've heard enough. I'll consider your arguments very carefully before I make a decision."

Jack looked across the table into Sam's eyes. "Make the right one. Choose to live."

Tears welled in Sam's eyes as she understood what he was saying. She had been the one to ask him to choose life over death. Even though things had gone terribly wrong, he was telling her they made the right choice. He was asking her to forgive herself for something that wasn't her fault.

She smiled gratefully at him, releasing some of the guilt that had been tearing through her the last two years.

TBC


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

While Weir was still making her decision whether or not to allow Colonel O'Neill to travel to Proclaroush Teonas the Stargate activated and Bratac sent confirmation that Anubis was on his way. Decision made, that didn't make it any easier to send a man who had already endured so much pain and psychological turmoil into harm's way. She admired Colonel O'Neill, both from what she had read about him in the files and from the way he stood up to the Vice-President for what he believed was the right thing to do.

But the fact was he was dying.

Without the Asgard, the Ancient knowledge would eventually cause an overload and his brain would shut down. If he managed to find technology capable of defeating Anubis in time, there was no sure bet that he would come out of it alive. And if he stayed here on Earth and did nothing, he'd die anyway. Earth's only hope of survival was Jack O'Neill, and she was going to give him all the support he needed whether Kinsey approved or not.

She watched curiously as O'Neill strutted confidently around the base, pointing out larger objects for Teal'c to carry and hefting the smaller ones himself into a pile. Daniel had gleefully informed her that Jack was packing, but for what, nobody knew. Sam was busy calculating the space coordinates for the gate address that Daniel had translated from 'Proclaroush Teonas.' Teal'c had later gone to Chulak to help Bratac in his search for transportation. It wasn't long before they found a viable cargo ship.

SG-1, consisting of Major Sam Carter, Dr. Daniel Jackson, Teal'c, and Colonel O'Neill marched off through the Stargate without so much as a look back. The colonel hadn't said a word to her since the briefing, she had only seen him interact with Daniel and on occasion, Sam, but for the most part he was busy with his packing. As she wished them good luck while personnel helped to carry all the equipment he had packed through the Stargate, Colonel O'Neill had finally looked at her. She saw great pain and sadness in his eyes, but there was something more. A spark of hope, of life.

And then he smiled, crooked with disuse, perhaps more of an amused smirk than anything else, but it warmed her heart and reassured her that he would do whatever he could to save Earth. He would keep them safe. Then he was gone through the wormhole, as quickly as he had arrived.

She had called President Hayes and informed them of their plan, grateful for General Francis and General Hammond's support. Prometheus was launched and all the F-302s were put on standby. Plans for evacuation were put into effect and already small groups were being sent to the Alpha site.

Now all she had to do was wait.

* * *

Jack was quiet on the flight, sitting by himself, his back against the wall, arms around his knees. Daniel watched him, wishing there was something he could do, wishing he had been able to help Jack when he had been ascended. He had obviously tried, which was why he had been sent back. Or why he had chosen to come back.

Sam sat on the floor across from Jack, watching him carefully as though she expected he would vanish the instant she looked away. Eventually he looked up and their eyes met. Neither could break that bond, fragile as it was, stretched by the distance of the goa'uld cargo ship.

She took the first step, rising slowly to her feet, her eyes still on Jack's as she approached him and sat down beside him, their shoulders touching. Now that he could feel her touch, could feel that she was real, he looked away, allowing nothing to exist in his mind but the warmth of her shoulder against his, the real, human touch, the compassion of that bond.

But he had other things to do. "We need to go faster," he announced, rising to his feet, using her shoulder for leverage, then holding his hand out to help her up. He kept her hand tightly grasped in his as he opened a panel in the bulkhead, studying the crystals inside. He let go of her hand and was grateful when she rested it on his shoulder, leaning in to observe what he was doing as he fiddled with the crystals.

Hours later they were sitting side by side, their backs to the wall, his arm comfortably around her shoulder, her head against his chest. He was staring at the wall in front of him, unseeing, and hadn't said a word since his declaration of the need for speed. Sam was content enough just to be near him again, to feel the comfort of his physical presence. She longed to hear his laughter, his quirky sense of humor, to see his charming smile, his smirk, his lost and uncomprehending look when she launched into her scientific explanations. But that would take time, and she was willing to wait if it meant having him back in her life. She had missed him.

They arrived at the planet and eventually located the Ancient outpost on the surface, ringing down to the planet in their protective gear. Jack stumbled under the weight of his suit, already exhausted from the toll of the knowledge in his mind and the last few days of physical labor on his already weak body. Teal'c was beside him, supporting him as they walked into a room with a chair in the center. Without hesitating he walked up to it, ignoring Carter's warning.

Minutes later he had extracted the charged ZPM and they were headed back to the ring platform as the dome started to collapse. Rocks crashed down around him but he didn't flinch, didn't seem to notice, even as one knocked Daniel to his knees. Bratac was taking a long time to ring them up, and they found out why moments later when they appeared on the ship and saw him lying there, clutching his abdomen which was covered with blood, the other jaffa's crumpled, lifeless form on the floor in the other room.

Jack stood back, looking at the blood on Bratac's hands, remembering the blood on his own so many times. It made him sick, and he looked down at his own hands, concealed within the gloves of his suit. He pulled the glove off his right hand and examined his bloodless fingers, pale and unhurt. Like he had done for Shalen, he could make Bratac's pain go away.

Bratac watched with curious eyes, laden with the pain of his injury, as O'Neill approached him warily and knelt beside him. He knew that he was dying, that he would not survive, and until this moment, he had been willing to accept that it was his time to die. But seeing O'Neill, a man who never gave up, even as he lost his desire to live, he felt something stir inside him, a feeling of hope and faith.

O'Neill's hand stretched out towards him and he watched, mesmerized as the fingers spread and lightly touched against his wound. He flinched but did not look away as warmth spread through him, easing his pain and touching the recesses of his heart, his soul. "The pain. It's fading." He gasped, and he looked into O'Neill's eyes, saw the concentration there, the effort and the pain in the man's pale features. Moments later, when all he felt was the feather of O'Neill's touch as the hand was pulled away, O'Neill slowly fell to the side, his eyes closed, his expression conveying his exhaustion and pain. His descent was stopped by Daniel Jackson.

"O'Neill possesses the healing power of the Ancients." Teal'c said reverently, but Bratac barely heard any of the other conversation as he stared at O'Neill, amazed and in awe of the man and his strong will.

He grabbed for his arm. "Once again I am in your debt." He declared, and O'Neill placed a hand on his shoulder, a small smile on his lips.

"And I in yours."

Bratac lowered his head slightly, acknowledging the bond of two warriors.

* * *

Jack was kneeling by the ring platform, his right leg tucked under him, his left knee up in the air by his chest. He was hooking a naquada generator to the rings, connecting wires and making adjustments, his eyes half closed in exhaustion.

Teal'c was there, trying to speak with him, but O'Neill didn't seem to be able to understand his words. Instead, as Teal'c's voice was soft and low, laden with emotion that he so valiantly controlled around anyone else, O'Neill reached up and placed a comforting hand on Teal'c's neck, his eyes revealing the love and affection he had for his brother-in-arms. The hand drifted down to Teal'c's shoulder and squeezed gently, offering comfort, which Teal'c accepted with a slight nod of understanding, reading O'Neill's actions better than any words could express.

Jack was focused now on his adjustments to the rings, and he was stretching the limits of his physical strengths. It was difficult just to sit upright, to keep his hands moving, and to focus his mind on the matter at hand, even with the Ancient knowledge in control.

His conscious mind kept flashing to his imprisonment with Ba'al and the brief but memorable torture at the hands of Anubis. At the back of his mind he felt an anger burning inside him, anger that was held back by physical and mental exhaustion.

He fought the knowledge in his mind, yearned for control, knowing he had escaped one prison for another, albeit one that had been optional and served a purpose of which he could approve and understand. He needed to take control of his life, he needed to be in charge of his fate, and in his mind the only thing he wanted to have control over was whether he lived or died. Life or death.

Death was easy. Death was a gentle sleep, innocent and painless, where nothing could hurt him and he could feel at peace. Life was tumultuous, full of pain and regret, anger and fear and hopelessness. Life was hard and held no peace for him.

Did he want to live? Did he want to die, to end his suffering forever, to leave his friends behind to pick up the pieces? Death would be so much easier for him. He could be buried with his son forever, joined with him once again, the son he lost in life.

Yes, he wanted death, he didn't want to live anymore. He wouldn't go gently into that good night. Jack O'Neill would go out with a bang, a warrior's death. It was fitting that he should die saving the world he was sworn to protect from one of his torturers. The weak, exhausted and mentally unstable son of the Tau'ri would defeat the most powerful System Lord in galactic history.

And he would die happy.

TBC

* * *

Please review and keep me honest. Thank you for your interest in my work. I never really thought of myself as a writer but I find it thoroughly rewarding when I read your reviews. 

I have the next chapter written, and personally I think it's a great place to end this story, but some of the reviewers would like to see more of Jack's recovery. Please let me know what you think and I'll try my best, but I probably won't be able to post as frequently if I delve into Jack's psyche. Suggestions appreciated.

Bixata


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Anubis had already begun his attack of Earth when they arrived, nearly crashing into the icy ground of Antarctica as they pulled out of hyperspace too close to the planet. The reprogrammed set of rings burrowed through the ice as goa'uld death gliders came screaming at them, letting loose a volley of blasts that shook the cargo ship. Prometheus came out of nowhere and positioned itself above them, absorbing the attack and giving back as good as it got.

SG-1 ringed down to the planet, appearing in a cavern much like the one they had found on Teonas. Jack's steps were heavy as the icy cold drained what little strength he had left and he collapsed forward, alarming his friends. Teal'c managed to catch him and hold him upright, with Daniel supporting his other side.

Jack nodded, indicating they should move forward. He shook them off when they came to a wall with a human-size recess in it, like an upright coffin. He leaned forward and braced himself on either side of the device. "Durmata," he whispered softly, longing for the sleep it could provide.

A strange sound came from the next room and he peered around the corner, his body stiffening by reflex at the sight of Anubis.

The creature of his nightmares spread its arms. "You are too late. The power of the Ancients is mine," it boasted.

His mind warred with his body, the latter remembering what it had suffered briefly by this thing's hands, the former knowing he could get his revenge.

With a strength he didn't possess he pulled himself upright, shoulders back straight and proud, and calmly walked towards the image of evil, shoving his hand through the thing's artificial face and walking through the holographic image, shattering it's power over him.

There was the familiar chair in the room and he held out his hand for the ZPM after pulling out the depleted one. Daniel helped him to stand and moved him over to the chair, where he took several seconds to regain his strength and think about what he had to do.

There was a screaming sound and the rings activated, depositing a pair of Anubis' Kull warriors in the adjacent room. SG-1 found shelter and returned fire, shots from both sides slamming into the ice walls, sending shards flying. His teammates shouted at each other and Jack, urging him to do what he had to do.

He cleared his mind of the sounds of battle in the room, turning the chair away from the Kull warriors, his fingers shifting the gel pad under his hand, his mind focused on the ships positioned above the planet firing on his world, his people, his friends.

In his mind he saw the battle, he saw Prometheus take a hit and begin its final attack run on the Mother Ship. He dug within himself to stay conscious as his vision blurred then refocused. His eyes closed and his mind called out for the drones, thousands of lights springing out from a hole in the floor, driving through the Kull warriors in the room then bursting through the hole in the ice caused by the ring transport, streaming up through the atmosphere, and out into space, diverging and ramming through each pyramid ship in Anubis' fleet.

One by one the hataks exploded, drifting lifeless as hull integrity collapsed. The drones streamed around the hull of the Prometheus, converging at its bow and pounding through the heart of Anubis' Mother Ship. Prometheus broke off the attack, veering to the right to avoid the explosion and shock wave of the enemy vessel.

He didn't stop until every hatak and every death glider was destroyed. As the last ship went down his hand fell limp to his side, his head dropped to his chest, and he knew that now he could finally die in peace.

"Sir."

Her hand touched his face and brought him back. He tried to open his eyes to see her one last time, to say goodbye to his friends and let them know he would be all right.

"Colonel, we won, please don't do this."

We won. Anubis was defeated and Earth was safe. He had fulfilled his promise to defend Earth, he had given everything he had for this planet, for his friends. He had nothing left to give, it was over, it was done. He deserved to rest in peace.

"It's over, sir, but you can still make it. Please, let us help you. Together we can make you want to live again. Please, Jack. I don't want you to die. I don't want to do this without you. We still need you, you're our friend and leader. We'll help you, Jack. Please. Stay with us."

He finally managed to open his eyes and lift his head, gazing into her desperate face. Her eyes were moist with unshed tears. He reached out his hand to touch her face, stroking her cheek with his thumb until his arm fell limp with exhaustion. Her hand came up to cover his, to hold it there, and she turned her face to kiss his palm gently.

"Please, Jack. I don't want to lose you again. I'll always be here for you."

He knew he could trust her. He knew he could believe her and she would never lie to him. But he was so tired. He just wanted to sleep.

She just didn't get it. He had lost his soul in that damn abyss of torture and isolation, he would never be the same person again. They would all learn to hate him, as much as he despised himself. He tried to tell himself that he had done all of this to save lives, to defend Earth, but in his heart, what little he could still lay claim to, he knew it wasn't the truth. He didn't do it for the people of Earth, or even for his friends. He did it for revenge. He did it to see Anubis suffer, to fight back and destroy the bastard who had tried to break him where even Ba'al couldn't.

And then there was Carter herself, the one who had talked him into taking the Tok'ra symbiote which inevitably led to his capture and unending death. What right did she have to beg him to live again, after everything he had suffered because of her the last time? How could she even think she could have that right?

He was just too tired to argue. He closed his eyes and dropped his head again, content to end his life right here whether his team, who had left him behind, wanted him to live or not.

He couldn't even be angry with them for leaving him behind, for giving up on him. He had missed them, his family, but like his ex-wife Sara they obviously didn't need him. They would be fine without him. Or would they?

He opened his eyes again, and saw the devastated look on Carter turn to hope, trails of tears glistening on her flushed face as she saw he was still conscious.

"Jack, you're not alone in this. We're here for you." Daniel's voice was strained with emotion, and slowly Jack looked over at his friend, who was locked in a self-hug that had always torn at Jack's heartstrings that Daniel had no one else to comfort him. He had seen that look before on the younger man, when he first returned from Abydos at the initiation of the Stargate Program, after his beloved wife Sha're had been kidnapped by Apophis. Was he that important to Daniel? Could Daniel survive another loss of someone so important to him? Jack didn't doubt it, but he remembered his own battle with Daniel's ascension, the loss of his closest friend. He hated to put Daniel through that, to be the cause of Daniel's misery.

"Indeed, O'Neill. I do not wish for you to die."

His eyes shifted to Teal'c, his jaffa friend, who understood him better than anyone. Teal'c rarely showed his emotions but Jack knew they were there all the same, buried beneath the surface. But now...his friend was as sad as he had ever seen him. He remembered a time early in their friendship when he was pinned to the Gate Room wall by a metal spear through his chest. Teal'c had never left his side, had stood by him when he was at his weakest and made him feel strong enough to get through anything.

Could he bear the thought of never seeing his team again? Could he call it quits on their friendship? He would give his life to protect them, but could he live for them? Carter, Daniel and Teal'c were his family, and he knew what it was like to lose someone important to you. But did he care enough to stay for them?

It was his right to be selfish. He had to do what was best for him. If he stayed around he may end up hurting them worse than if he ended it now. Logically, he knew he may never recover from the trauma he had suffered, and he may take it out on those closest to him, those he would never want to hurt.

They were safe. They were alive. That was all that mattered. They could live without him. They had been doing just fine the last two years without him. They didn't need him. He would just hold them back from doing great things.

"Give life a chance, Jack. We can make it better. Again."

With Daniel's words, he remembered Charlie. After Charlie's death he thought the pain would never go away, and he didn't want to live anymore. But with Daniel's help he had learned to enjoy life again, he had found a way to remember his son and honor him and love him, even though he was no longer there. He had found happiness again, with his team and his work. Maybe he could do it again.

And if it didn't work out he could always end it himself.

"Durmata."

He saw the pain in Carter's face as she misinterpreted his intent. For a moment he found it ironic that even though he had chosen to give life a chance they were going to let him die. Then Daniel sprang forward, grabbing Carter's arm.

"That thing. Sleep. It must be some kind of stasis chamber. He wants to live Sam."

Jack bowed his head to confirm it, but his eyes slid shut and he felt the pull of death. Though he was choosing life he was ready for death. It was going to be a close call.

He felt himself being pulled to his feet, then a pressure on his chest told him he was being carried across Teal'c's shoulders. He felt himself lifted, then weight on his feet as he was set inside the chamber. He didn't have the strength to stand and he started to collapse until Teal'c held him up by the chest.

"Now what?"

He forced his eyes open to look at each of his friends, to see in their eyes that they wanted him to live, and seeing this, he felt at peace. He would be with them again, and open to all the options of the universe.

"Aveo amacus." He said slowly, and pushed Teal'c's hands gently away, setting his feet firmly beneath him, strengthened by his new resolve to live. _Goodbye, my friends_.

And he could finally get the rest he deserved before he set out on his new life's journey.

The End

* * *

Sequel: Abyss of My Soul 

Author's Note: This story was about making the decision to live again, as was done in the Stargate movie, so I found this a fitting place to end.

The sequel will be about Jack's recovery, as requested, but it might take some time (days or weeks, not months) to post since I haven't written anything for it yet, and I write things out by hand first. I hope you enjoyed Climbing the Abyss and I hope I can keep the sequel interesting. If you've got any interesting ideas I'd like to hear them, and thanks for all the reviews.

Bixata


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